I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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