maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
