so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
