he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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