Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
