He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
