i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
