my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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