If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
