i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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