Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize