can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
