i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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