Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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