hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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