Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
