Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
