I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
