please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
