At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
