Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
