I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize