I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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