there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
