the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
