You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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