I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
