so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
