Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
