We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
