You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
