My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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