and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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