It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize