Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
