i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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