Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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