I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you traded sex for a burrito?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
