i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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