You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
