that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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