You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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