Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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