Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
