Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
