From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
