Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
