I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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