she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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