When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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