My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
