3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We are all done wearing pants today
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