My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
