Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
