I love having hate sex.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i came on her dog
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
