so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
wakey wakey hands off snakey
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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