RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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