I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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