If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
