they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
